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Editorials   Game Movies, 100% Crap?
- By Aaron Thayer

All right, let's analyze the facts. Most game-based motion pictures suck, majorly. The last 10 years have brought nothing but crap fest after crap fest, thus solidifying the unignorable evidence. Really, can you think of good game movies (not based on box office sales, but by if you liked it or not)? Sure, someone out there liked Super Mario Bros, or Street Fighter. But I honestly can not find anything about those movies I tolerate, except the series they are based on. Okay, occasionally a gem comes a long, i.e. Tomb Raider or Mortal Kombat (which was a pretty decent film, I'm sure a third installment would be better). Just it's hard to look past the fact that more and more Final Fantasys and Resident Evils will come along. While those two weren't of the absolute horrible caliber, you can't say they are real brainteasers or deep philosophical films (well, TR wasn't, but it had better acting in my opinion).

While there is no foreseeable end to game/movie collaboration (many have been announced, new Resident Evil, House of the Dead, Duke Nukem supposedly, Alice from the PC game and others), you do have to realize that the two sometimes benefit each other. Back in the 64 days, many theaters were used as media tools for the 64, and later the Dreamcast. In fact I remember seeing the Sonic Adventure footage, and just being blown away at the time. I don't actually recall what movie it was, obviously not important to say the least. Any who, as I said, Nintendo utilized the film genus as an outlet for advertising. Sure, TV and magazine ads work, but they don't cover a whole audience. 40 year olds usually don't watch Fox kids or MTV, or subscribe to EGM. For the film industry, it...well it gives them muchos pesos. Though I haven't really seen many, if at all, gaming/movie ads, they do seem to work regardless of what crap movie is going to play on the screen. I guess the only consolation is that you, uh, pay 6 bucks to watch a new two-minute trailer of an upcoming game. Hmmm...Zelda silver screen...commence drooling.

My point of this article is to basically bitch about how bad the game movies are. The future does seem somewhat brighter. House of the Dead, though it will most definitely be a B movie with flashy techno dancers and shotguns (come on, Island of the Dead, and raves? My god), you can't deny it's going to be a hell of a lot better than Super Mario Bros. I was thinking about how and why the movie execs would let that stinker go? Can these bigwigs of industry (and I mean everyone, in every facet of business) really let these stupid movies, games, TV shows, toys, books, clothes, and so on fall so far under their radars? Do they not comprehend the idea of LOSING money compared to gaining money? Why would anyone in their right mind not realize they are tarnishing their names by repeatedly doing these half-assed stunts? Take 3D0 for example. I love the company; they give us Heroes for cripe's sake. But look what else they give and have given. Army Men, Might and Magic, and that one system no one dare speaks of in public, the machine-that-must-not-be-named. But I digress.

Maybe you like these sorry excuses of film, these "movies" that waste precious millions of dollars I could use. Hell, they seem to be just giving it away, so why not just give it to me and other needy gamers out there? But no matter what others, nor I, say, corporate film America will continue to produce and make these types of films, which should have their own genre, "crap." I may be harsh, but it's what I believe. So go ahead and whine about why a Chu Chu Rocket movie isn't in production or whatever you want, just be thankful that there isn't a Super Mario Bros Redux coming out...and a game version to follow. Watch your back, evil game movies are out there, and their numbers are growing.