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Editorials 
MORE Nintendo Games That Were Never Released
- By Francis
Bonnet
Introduction
My secret sources have recently uncovered a new batch of secret games that were in development for Nintendo platforms, but were never released to the public. As we all know, developers sometimes cancel games during development for one reason or another. If you haven’t seen my first report on Games That Were Never Released, click here. Otherwise, be prepared to enter a world of games that never saw the light of day… but should have.
Name: Capcom VS General Mills
System: Gamecube
Original Release Date: June 2002
With all the Versus games that Capcom has been releasing in recent years with other companies, it was only a matter of time before Capcom attacked the cereal industry. And what would be a better cereal company than General Mills, fine makers of Cocoa Puffs, Trix, Lucky Charms, Honey Nut Cheerios as well as many other various brands. Development for this title was almost complete before Kenzo Tsujimoto, president of Capcom, opened up a box of Honey Nut Cheerios only to find that the free Anakin Skywalker Lightsaber Star Wars toy had failed to be included in his breakfast treat. Capcom broke their contract with General Mills and now the staff only eats Kelloggs.
Name: Kid Icarus of Sanitation & Cleanup
System: NES
Original Release Date: November 1992
The first two Kid Icarus games, Kid Icarus and Kid Icarus of Myths and Monsters, focused too much on mythology and Nintendo thought it might be a good idea to get away from that. So they decided to give our angelic hero, Pit, a job for the Angel Land Sanitation Department. It was Pit’s job to make sure all the garbage in Angel Land was taken off the street as to keep Angel Land clean. Nintendo cancelled this game towards the end of development because they realized that it was just friggin’ stupid.
Name: Luigi's Crackhouse
System: Gamecube
Original Release Date: November 2002
After Luigi inherited a mansion filled with nothing but ghosts and monsters, you’d think that he would have learned his lesson… not quite. Luigi’s Crackhouse, a direct sequel to Luigi’s Mansion, opens up with Luigi having inherited a house in a contest he filled out in an adult magazine. However, upon arriving to the house, Luigi discovers that it’s filled with drug addicts and porn hounds. Now he must rid them all by sucking their drugs away with his Drugbuster 3000 vacuum, another invention by Professor E. Gadd. This game was supposed to be released in November of this year, however, according to my secret sources, Nintendo has been trying to fit more porn into the game before releasing its existence to the public. A delay is most probable.
Name: Kirby's Lick Me Good
System: Gameboy Advance
Original Release Date: July 2001
Nintendo has always been an innovative company, this we know. They have constantly been trying to bring new ideas to games such as the Rumble feature and last years Kirby’s Tilt & Tumble, in which you had to physically tilt the Gameboy unit in order to get Kirby to move in one of four directions. Kirby’s Lick Me Good was to incorporate a new feature never even thought of before now, the Taste Feature. That’s right, Kirby’s Lick Me Good incorporated a taste feature in which you could lick the screen of your Gameboy Advance and taste exactly what was happening through all of the levels. Unfortuately, Kirby lives in another world so what tastes good to him, tastes like dirt to us. Word has it that this game was cancelled because many of Nintendo’s game testers were getting sick because Kirby’s world tasted a lot like @$$.
Name: Mortal Kombat Kart
System: Nintendo 64
Original Release Date: September 1999
With the success Midway has had taking the Mortal Kombat franchise into new directions, such as Mortal Kombat Special Forces, they had another wonderful idea… why not make a Mario Kart-type game with Mortal Kombat characters? So development had begun on Mortal Kombat Kart. The game was to feature many racers from all of the MK games competing against each other in the Dark Racing Realm. Losing the race could mean the destruction of Earth. This game was actually completed but never released. The reason is rather strange but according to developers, every time someone would put the Mortal Kombat Kart cartridge into the Nintendo 64, the system would actually spit out the cartridge and mutter something that sounded like “Quality, not quantity”. This has many developers and scientists baffled even to this day.
Name: Dr. Mario: Fun in the Office
System: Gamecube
Original Release Date: May 2002
Nintendo’s main man, Mario, has many jobs. He’s a hero, a plumber, and he’s also a doctor. However what does he do around the office when he’s not using pills to kill viruses inside a jar? Why he’s fooling around with Princess Peach in the office of course! Dr. Mario: Fun in the Office was to be a mature puzzle game focusing more on pleasure than on work. The puzzle stages had Mario figuring out how many different ways he could get the Princess to sleep with him. Dr. Mario: Fun in the Office wasn’t released because it actually featured Mario without any clothes on and made many a people sick. Rather than be hit with lawsuits from angry, sick customers, Nintendo has buried this disc under their offices in Redmond, Washington and refuses to acknowledge its existence.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, this editorial is yet another joke and should not be taken seriously. That means it's fake!
Agree with what I'm saying? Disagree? Let us know your thoughts on this issue in our mail bag. The views of Francis Bonnet are not necessarily the views of NGenres.com or its affiliates.
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| "Enter the world of video games that you never got to play... and never will!" |
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